When Jeremy isn’t playing with cars or nude women, he likes to opine about less important subjects. He is one of a select few celebrities who has been blamed for poor denim sales, and was once hit in the face with a banana-meringue pie. This is the real Jeremy Clarkson.

Those Bloody Teenagers

Sunday February 3, 2008

It’s an unfortunate but ultimately necessary part of our aging society that we feel the need to reproduce.

I say unfortunate because somewhere between the ridiculously cute, spew-gushing toddler stage and the plucky young adult stage, the stripy-shirted, buck-toothed teenager unceremoniously falls; which gives grace to a species so completely inept at pleasant social interaction that they’re just as likely to confuse your face with a toilet bowl for their bladder-relieving exercises.

If only there was a minor confusion with toilet activities to worry about then we could probably forgive the teenager, but that is only the beginning of our problems. Almost as soon as any human reaches the age where a ‘teen’ needs to be bolted to the end of it’s pronunciation we see the ailment of what I have become to call ‘clever bastardness’. For the entirety of the teen period these creatures seem completely incapable of saying something that doesn’t result in you – the more rational and intelligent adult – having an insatiable urge to drop something large and heavy from massive heights square on their silly, fat heads.

Alas, the annoying foibles of youth don’t end there. The teenager also appears to possess a completely impractical habit of trying to film everything with it’s camera phone, ranging from the subtle things such as sticking sellotape to cat’s underbellies (don’t pretend you haven’t tried it), to more extreme things such as setting people on fire. Strangely, the press has taken to calling any activity filmed by a teenager to be ‘Happy Slapping’, but I fail to see the link with a term I take to mean as a light friendly slap with the palm of a hand (see also: soap opera violence) to an umbrella term the media use to mean ‘Punching old people in the face very hard’.

Unfortunately, Britain has yet to pass a law making human culling legal, but I will continue to push for one. We could then keep all the teenagers that I deemed to be of future benefit to the population, and burn the rest of those hoody-wearing, underpants-showing idiots that our country has to put up wherever it is free-of-charge to sit down. And of course, I’d film the entire culling process on my mobile phone, and probably put it on YouTube.